Abbott and Costello in Tokyo

To enjoy this bit of silliness from 2012 it helps to know the comedy duo of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello, who were a staple of film, TV and radio in the 1940s and 1950s. But if you are not THAT old and have no recollection, never fear. The two live on even now in an assortment of YouTube offerings.

Among their routines, by far the most renowned is a comic dialog entitled, "Who's on First?" That exchange was the inspiration for the goofiness below. If you wish to build some background momentum, go to YouTube and watch Bud and Lou at their very best.

Other notes:

Ikebukuro Station is a major hub on Tokyo's Yamanote train route. It is one of the busiest train stations on earth and is only surpassed in that honor by other and even busier commuter stops within greater Tokyo.

Here is how you say it: "EE-KAY-BOO-KOO-ROW." But I did indeed once overhear some lost tourist read it as "Icky-buckaroo."

Thanks to GPS and smartphones, it is harder to get lost on the Tokyo trains these days. That said, anyone who has lived here very long has their stories. Note the plural.

My title: "Abbott and Costello in Tokyo." The Japan Times title is below.

---

Who Wants to Know What's Where?

March 10, 2012

One problem I have with the phrase "language struggles" is the image.

For the picture is one of a contest. That of a wrestling match or a sweaty uphill climb. A never-ending tussle in which there are both gains and losses, but gradually — oh so gradually — more victories than defeats.

But the image that better fits my own language journey is more one of a collision.

Me = bug. Japanese language = windshield.

I haven't struggled much at all. I've been smashed. Again and again. Especially in the early days.

And I admit I wax nostalgic whenever I see someone else getting knocked to smithereens. Like the other day, when I heard this foreign guy ask train directions to "Ikebukuro."

To hear it come out as, "Icky-buckaroo."

Reminding me of my own train misadventures of yesteryear, finding myself completely lost in both the language and railway system.

I needed help, but had no idea how to ask. Not that it mattered. I couldn't understand any answer anyway.

I felt like Lou Costello, all bent up over "Who's on First?" In fact, Abbott and Costello could have aimed their famed routine at the Tokyo trains with similar results to baseball.

All it takes is a little Icky-Buckaroo-style imagination and a bit of suspended belief as to place names. And away we go…

The train roars on while the lost foreigner blinks at the map plastered above the door. It's a spider's web of crisscrosses that seems to blur the more that he stares. So, he girds himself and turns to the businessman standing alongside.

"Excuse me? Do you speak English?"

The man jumps, either with the shock of being approached or at a perceived slight to his education.

"But of course!"

The foreigner blurts his question. "Great! So what's the next station?"

"Who-Wants-To-Know."

A pause. Then… "Excuse me?"

"Who-Wants-To-Know."

"I want to know."

Now a pause in return. "Know what?" says the businessman. His eyes flick right and left.

"What's the next station?"

"Who-Wants-To-Know."

"Me. My name is Tom."

"Nice to meet you. I'm Hiro." They shake hands.

"Now, Hiro, what's the next station?"

"Who-Wants-To-Know."

"Tom does!"

"Tom does what?"

"Tom wants to know!"

"Know what?

"The name of the next station!?"

"Who-Wants-To-Know!"

Now the foreigner puts his arm around the businessman's neck. He moves in close and whispers.

"Listen, Hiro, I don't care about the next station. It's true. What I really want to know is where I can change trains to head south. Can you tell me that? Please?"

Hiro whispers back. "Sure. No problem. I know all the trains. Just ask."

"Great. So, where do I change trains?"

"I-Have-No-Idea."

"But I thought you said you knew?"

"Knew what?"

"Where to change trains."

"I do."

"Okay." The train rocks on. Tom stares at Hiro. "Where is it?"

Hiro stares at Tom. "Where is what?"

"The place to change trains."

"I-Have-No-Idea."

"Arrgh! Tell me!"

"Tell you what?"

"The place to change trains!"

"I-Have-No-Idea!"

"And the name of the next station!?"

"Who-Wants-To-Know!"

Tom backs off and paces around.

"Let me put it this way. Say I get off at the next stop and I ask someone where I am. What will they tell me?"

"Who-Wants-To-Know."

"And if I get off in a few stops and ask where I am and some guy tells me, 'I have no idea,' then I should change trains."

"Exactly! You've got it."

"What I've got is a headache."

"I'm glad I could help."

"Oh, you helped."

"Because soon I have to get off. It will be my stop."

"Which is?"

"You-Won't-Believe-It."

"I might. Just tell me."

"Tell you what?"

"The name of your stop."

"You-Won't-Believe-It."

"For Pete's sakes, try me and see!"

"See what?"

"Whether I believe you!"

"About what?"

"The name of your stop!"

"Oh. You-Won't-Believe-It."

"Just tell me! I have no idea!"

"No, that's your stop."

"What's my stop?"

"I-Have-No-Idea."

The foreigner buries his face in his hands. "Forget my stop. I think I'm gonna be ill. Where's the closest hospital?"

"Who-Wants-To-Know."

"I do! Didn't I just ask you!?"

"Ask me what?"

"The location of the closest hospital!"

"Who-Wants-To-Know!"

"Okay. I'm not getting off at all. I'll just ride on till the final stop. What's it called?"

"We-Never-Tell."

"Why not?"

"Why not what?"

"Tell me the name of the last station?!"

"Oh. We-Never-Tell."

"Please! Just for me. Your new train friend. Tell me the name of the last station!"

"We-Never-Tell!"

"I'll keep it a secret, I promise!"

"Keep what a secret?"

"The name of the last station!"

"But everyone knows."

"What is it then!?"

"We-Never-Tell!"

Now Tom grabs Hiro by the lapels. "Hiro, I'm wondering… Have you ever been punched in the nose?"

"Excuse me?"

"I said… 'Have-You-Ever-Been-Punched-In-The-Nose!?'"

To which Hiro shakes his head and answers… "Sorry. You're on the wrong train line for that."

Now, Bud Abbott was a much better straight man than Hiro and Tom the Foreigner is a pale shadow of Lou Costello. Yet, the two funnymen never had material like this.

Which, in hindsight, is the best upside to "language struggle." If you're going to get kayoed, you might at least smile.

© Thomas Noah Wood

(New here? Click on "Blog" on the menu bar to read previous posts. If you wish email notification of new posts, click on "contact" and tick the subscribe box. It's free -- of course! And if you enjoy the post, please share with others!)