The Sanctity of Chopsticks!

A recurring motif in my Japan Times columns was that of my wife and I bantering over some silly cross-cultural topic.

If you've been following these blogs, I have already run several such tit-for-tatters, one on the phrase "like a banshee," one on washing dishes, and another on love stories. More are on the way.

Like this one—about the sanctity of chopsticks.

All you read below are genuine chopstick taboos. More than "do's and don'ts," these are the "don'ts."

Or most of them.

I left out the all important "vertical taboo." Which says:

Never leave your chopsticks inserted vertically into a bowl of rice, as it resembles a Buddhist funeral ritual, not to mention the way incense sticks are burned at funeral altars. Deathly omens all around.

I left it out because... here we are dining on noodles, not rice.

Did we actually have this conversation? Or did I make it up?

What? You think I would kid you? I absolutely guarantee we sort of/kind of talked this out.

A little. Maybe. Cross my heart.

By chance, I have an Amazon ebook with a chopsticky name—Chop-Chop the Killer Whore. No connection. It's a love story/thriller. A pair of chopsticks pop up maybe once, I think. That's all. The Amazon link is below.

Along with a small note on my health.

Now... all you ever needed to know about chopsticks:

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Tangling over Chopsticks

Feb 21, 2009

"You know what we should do?" I tell my wife over lunch.

"Find a way to insert some Chapstick onto the end of a chopstick. We could call it the "Chapchop-stick" and make millions."

She eyes me as her final noodle snakes into her mouth.

I know those eyes. They are that lady justice pair of "right" and "wrong" and they are narrowing now to the side of "wrong."

"Millions of what?" she says. "Enemies?"

Uh-oh. Who or what have I offended this time? The restaurant, perhaps? The cook? My chapped lips?

"Chopsticks," she says, "are more than eating utensils. They are a respected part of Japanese culture, not to mention other cultures throughout Asia. You shouldn't take them lightly."

"Me? Take chopsticks lightly? Why, there’s nothing I respect more. I would rather sit on a chopstick than disparage one."

Her eyes roll.

"You from the West can't understand. You have nothing to compare. Forks and spoons have no cultural echoes whatsoever."

"Have too."

"Have not."

"Have too."

"Okay. Tell me something cultural about a fork. Tell me some faux pas one should not commit."

"Oh, that's easy. You should never use your fork to comb your hair."

She shrieks. People in the shop glance our way. I give her a shush.

"That was a shriek of joy, " she whispers. "I am so happy you are nearly bald. Besides, that has nothing to do with eating. That has to do with being an idiot. Tell me some table manner glitch with a fork."

"Um… You should never plant one in your neighbor's thigh."

"Just what I thought. Nothing."

"And, and, and with spoons," I add, speaking fast, "You should never stick one on your nose while eating. You should do it before or after."

"See. You come from a cultural wasteland. Meanwhile, we Japanese have oodles of taboos related to eating with chopsticks."

"I suppose you're not allowed to sit on one."

"Listen and learn," she says.

"First, there is the No Passing Taboo. You should never pass food from one set of chopsticks to another. It reminds people of the way bones of the deceased are passed after cremation."

"How about passing chicken bones? They're deceased. They've been fried too."

"You put the bone on a plate first and then pass the plate."

"With the chopsticks? Sounds hard."

"With your hands. And that's the second taboo, the No Dish Moving Taboo. One should never use chopsticks to pull a dish your way, even if it holds your favorite food."

"Got it. Use both hands for that."

"Next is the Skewering Taboo. Never use chopsticks to skewer food, even if the item is somewhat hard to pick up, like tofu or Jello."

"Reminds me of guys I've seen trying to skewer girls at parties. Some are hard to pick up. Some not."

"Be serious. Next comes the Fish Around Taboo. Never use your chopsticks to fish through the common pot to pull up what you want."

"C'mon. Everyone does that."

"Only cretins. Similar is the Wavering Taboo. You should never wave your chopsticks over a selection of food while pondering what item to choose."

"I am becoming fonder and fonder of forks. Are you done?"

"Not nearly. There is also the Lick Taboo. Never ever lick your chopsticks."

"How about other people's chopsticks? And how about at times other than eating? Might I lick my chopsticks while on the train on the way to work?"

She taps her fingers. When I corral my grin, she moves on.

"Next is the Pointing Taboo. Never use your chopsticks to point at people."

"Fine. I use knives for that."

"We also have the Push Aside Taboo. Don't use your chopsticks to push aside food you don't want."

"So what do I do? Tilt my plate and let it slide off?"

"Last…"

"Hallelujah."

"…is the Resting Taboo. Chopsticks should be placed on a chopstick rest, not across your bowl or plate."

We glance down and, sure enough, my chopsticks rest atop my bowl. But… so do hers.

"Cretin!"

Her face burns in humble red. "But they didn't provide chopstick rests."

"This is way too much culture. Yet, I notice there’s no Chapstick taboo. With a little tinkering, we could be rich."

"No one would ever use a Chapchop-stick."

"How about if it was flavored? With wasabi or something. How could people resist?"

"You'd make more money with a fork-comb."

"Would not."

"Would too."

And off we go again.

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A year ago on this date, I was in a hospital ward, recuping from the first operation of my life. I finished my initial year of post-op cancer checks just last week, with the good news being that I will need fewer such checks in the future. Cancer gone? So it seems. At least for this wee moment in time.

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 © Thomas Noah Wood

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