High Tech, Low Patience
Uh, right
Artificial Intelligence might kill us, people say.
Not so surprising. High tech and its digital hounds have been snapping at my heels for years.
The other day I had to endure two-point authentication to purchase an online movie ticket. A movie ticket!
I’m just lucky it wasn’t the day before, when my internet server went down and I couldn’t access anything, anywhere for ten hours.
The day before that my bank’s security unit hit me with a 403 Forbidden error. Why? I
dunno. I guess they figured my frustration level wasn’t high enough. When I called to complain, they blamed it on my end—the same response I hear from all tech support, no matter the problem.
I sat there dejected but then—voila!—the minute I hung up, the error disappeared.
Coincidence? Maybe. Or maybe, my end, my ass.
This death by a thousand techno cuts has gone on for decades and was the inspiration for the 2014 Japan Times humor column below, which aims at payment cards, a form of e-money.
E-money can be e-xcruciating. Here’s how I see it:
The clerk asks the first person in line how he/she wants to pay and they select their option. This option doodling takes time and the line struggles to move forward. Far more cumbersome than the days when there weren’t any options and everyone paid the same. All geezers agree on this.
Is high tech leading us ahead or pulling us back? Whichever, the noose is too damned tight.
Below, then, is a bit of old coot fun involving my rebellion against a system that has been slowly killing me for years.
Notes:
Japan’s economy has been stagnant for decades. I would like to say it's at last a little better. And I hope one day I can.
At the time of publication, e-money apps were just beginning. They had yet to blossom across the smartphone universe, where Japan now has oodles of such apps.
The “jaws of Life” is a rescue device used to free people from trapped vehicles.
Fifty thousand yen at the time of this writing was about five hundred US dollars.
And The Japan Times title is another pure “ugh.” See below. Who wrote that? A robot?
My personal title is more to the point: High Tech, Low Patience.
Please read. Before AI comes to get you.
Time to Nip This Growing Plastic Tumor in the Bud
Feb 14, 2014
Japanese have long been dubbed the "economic animal." Although for most of the post-bubble years, that animal has been a dead horse.
In this digital age, it is not always money per se that motivates the typical Japanese consumer. Rather than hard cash, most Japanese now go for something more flexible: plastic cards.
For this is the age of e-money. Filthy lucre has evolved into clean plastic. It’s still money, only more convenient—easier to carry, easier to spend, and easier to make disappear from your savings.
It’s the "easier to carry" bit that I am not so sure about. I know that some cards can be applied across various settings and that cell phones—in their pervasive madness—might also serve as e-money devices. And this lightens the card load to be hauled.
Yet, I find myself swamped with cards. And not just the e-money variety. Member cards, discount cards, hospital registration cards—my wallet has so many damned cards, it's like a plastic tumor bulging from my back pocket.
One day, I fear I will flop down on an open seat on the train and won't be able to rise again due to the weight of my wallet—that the station guys will have to run get the "jaws of life" to pry me up.
My wallet cards from back-in-the-day, not including credit cards, driver's license and more.
The upshot is this: No more cards for me. I dread them the way Darth Vader must dread using Wite-Out.
Although some store clerks are persistent…
"Thank you for your purchase! Do you carry our Super-Duper Discount Card?"
The girl smiles at me with googly eyes. She might be nothing but a bobblehead doll. She has that unsteady look.
"No."
"Shall I make you one? It will only take a second."
"No."
The googly eyes blink. The bobbling stops.
"Sir, our Super-Duper Discount Card will allow you to receive one percent off on any purchase of more than ¥50,000, plus make you eligible for occasional free merchandise, like tissue packets."
"No, thank you."
She squints.
"Sir, are you aware that our Super-Duper Discount Card is available in three striking colors—pink, rose and carnation? And that it has been unanimously voted the most attractive card in the world by our board of directors?"
"No. But I'll pass."
"Sir…" Her nails sink into the counter. I hear them snapping. "Today, and today only, I have been authorized to award every new applicant for our Super-Duper Discount Card a free, all-expenses-paid trip to our sister store across the street."
"Sounds nice, but no."
"I meant at the next station."
"No."
"Two stations away."
"No."
"Three stations."
"Listen, I don't want your card."
At which point I catch from her a sort of tinkling sound, as if something crystal were breaking inside. Her eyes morph from tea-bag brown to lab-rat pink.
"Sir, today, and today only, for all new applicants for our Super-Duper Discount Card, my fellow workers and I will form a conga line and dance around the shop while singing Disney tunes."
"Absolutely not."
"Twice."
"No."
"While singing any song you want. Even Macarena. "
"No!"
Her face twitches.
"Sir, today, and today only, all new applicants for our Super-Duper Discount Card can walk off with any item in the shop, free of charge."
"I said, no."
"Including staff."
My turn to blink.
"What? The answer is no."
She smiles. With her teeth set.
"Sir, today, and today only, for all new applicants for our Super-Duper Discount Card, we will invade and conquer the country of the applicant’s choice and rename it in their honor."
"Can I have my purchase, please?"
"Canada, Australia… The Holy See."
"Give me my purchase or give me my money back."
"Oh?" She picks up my purchase.
"You mean this beautiful pair of handcrafted bamboo chopsticks?" She raises them before me and snaps them apart. The lab-rat eyes arch.
"Life is unpredictable. Accidents happen. Fortunately, today, and today only, all applicants for our Super-Duper Discount Card receive free replacements for all recently damaged items."
"You are a damaged item."
"Will you take pink, rose or carnation?"
"I don't want the chopsticks. Give me my money back."
"We only give refunds to those who have Super-Duper Discount Cards."
I try to storm out, but find the door is jammed.
"Customers can only exit if they have Super-Duper Discount Cards."
No kidding. So I join.
"About that country, I would like to see Russia renamed as Dillongrad."
"Too bad. That offer just expired."
"No conga line?"
She checked her watch. "Nope. You are five seconds too late."
At which point, I decide I’d better get out.
Before that offer expires too.
© Thomas Noah Wood
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